The sun is shining, the grass is green, and my sidewalk is full of a six year old’s artistic chalk expressions. It is finally spring!  Winter in North Dakota was tough this year. Mother Nature went all in with excessive cold and a lot of snow.  This spring especially has been a breath of fresh air and a much needed change from the neverending winter doldrums.  As spring began and we neared the halfway point of 2023, I found myself thinking about my new year’s post, “A New Way to New Year.”  In this post, I shared my 2023 intentions: to focus on small choices “designed to help me settle back into who I am and focus on the people and habits that are life-giving;” further, to intentionally avoid the need to make “big changes” or strive for “big success.”  As I reread the post, I realized I needed to check in and ask myself, How am I doing with this intention to slow down?  What I decided: it is harder than I expected it would be.  As I considered this truth, I paused and  thought, Why? Why is doing something that appears easy, such as choosing to “do less,” so hard? 

A few years ago, I started a draft blog post where I contemplated a similar question of why doing less is seemingly difficult.  Here are some of my thoughts about shaking the expectation to constantly be doing more and more:

I am frustrated with the way society seems to be set up so it feels like we are always failing.  I am tired of feeling stuck in the “what’s next” cycle.  It doesn’t seem to matter what season of life we’re in or where we’re at on the success ladder, the world seems set on showing us that we could always be better. There is no shortage of catch phrases encouraging us to “Be better than you were yesterday” and to “Never settle for ‘good enough.’” The entire self-improvement industry is built on helping people do bigger and better things.  With all the pressure constantly surrounding us, I wish there was a way that we can accept where we are, enjoy the life that we have, feel confident and happy with ourselves, while also not feel stuck or without potential to change.  This is where I am at a loss for answers.  

As I reread this paragraph, I thought to myself, this is still true! I am still struggling to be okay with being okay. I frequently find myself stuck in a cycle of thinking about “what’s next,” frequently daydreaming about the next big thing.  Trying to slow down while inundated with the demand to do the opposite feels like a losing battle.  Self-improvement books, TV shows, social media, advertisements, and societal expectations celebrate moving forward and chastise staying put.  Pushing against this expectation feels like applying the breaks while the car is on ice.  I want to slow down, to stop; I’m pushing the breaks but I still slide forward anyway. 

For example, I had a season of change last year, with a new house, new job, and big transitions for my kids.  This 2022 busyness is what led to my 2023 new year’s intention to slow down and settle into my new normal.  To breathe more and just enjoy the season I am in.  Yet, despite my intentions, I still find that my husband and I are constantly considering home improvement projects and updates, I am still considering the opportunities for advancement in my new career, and I still frequently find myself researching and signing my kids up for new activities, inevitably crowding my family’s evening and weekend schedules.  At times, these daydreams and activities bring joy, but sometimes they just bring stress and produce a chaotic jumble of overwhelming thoughts about all of the things that need to be done in order to get to “what’s next.” 

One surprising, but unhealthy, aspect of my inability to slow down has come with the transition to my new job.  The new role has been overwhelmingly positive and a much needed change for me.  However, sometimes I struggle with the new reality that I’m not drowning.  I question whether I am really doing enough or creating an impact in a role that allows me the luxury of taking a lunch break.  Why is that?  Why do I feel like I have to be miserable to be impactful?  Is that part of the “hustle culture” to continue to do more until you can’t possibly do more? As I have begun to recognize the toxicity of this mindset, I am trying to refocus on the intention to slow down and just be okay with the fact that I am currently okay.

Sometimes this “what’s next” mindset comes out even in simple responses to the most ordinary questions.  Do you like your new job? or what do you think of your house? Although I could certainly reply simply with, “Yes, I do like my job” or “The house is great,” I find myself qualifying my responses: “I like the job but I don’t know if I will like it forever?” or “The house is great but we still have a lot of projects we’d like to finish.”  I want to get away from these what-is-next-focused, almost automatic, responses.  Of course, there is always nuance in responses and there will always be space for “what’s next,” but there is also a NOW.  More and more I realize I would like to live in the now and not always qualify all of my answers with future-focused possibilities. 

I guess I don’t have any real solutions to this ingrained hustle mindset.  As I wrote this post, it occurred to me that maybe a logical solution would be to throw out all my self-improvement books and disengage entirely from all forms of media.  Alas, that would probably be an overreaction.  The solution is likely more simple: a constant reminder to stop and breathe, to find gratitude in the day to day, to bring my mindset back to the now.  However, in all honesty, I have come to realize I may never fully get to the point where it is intuitive to slow down and effortless to just be okay.  But, it is part of the journey.  As we move into the second half of the year, I’ll keep trying to live into the intention I set for 2023: to focus on small choices, to appreciate the here and now, to breathe and just be okay.

Jessica is a wife, mom, social worker, and writer.  She is co-author of the blog The Unexpected Ever Afters.