The other night, in the midst of fighting off a miserable head cold, the second bug to hit in less than ten days, I willingly went to bed at 8:30. This is not a normal routine but I was so tired I could hardly move. I fell asleep unusually fast and awoke the next morning feeling significantly better. This experience caused me to think about sleep as a form of self-care and how this particular self-care practice is one I hate to prioritize and yet benefit tremendously from.

As a notorious insomniac, sleep and I have had a tumultuous relationship for as long as I can remember. I accept that sleep is an important component to healthy living, however, actually prioritizing and pursuing a consistent sleep routine is a self-care habit I perpetually procrastinate to implement. First, my struggle with excruciating insomnia causes me to actively avoid the inevitable hours spent just lying awake in bed waiting to fall asleep. Another reason for my reluctance is that when night arrives and my kids are asleep, the time between their bedtime and mine is a point in the day that I get for just me, to be just me. And, I value that time. Compounding these factors is my insatiable urge to constantly be doing something, and sleep feels antithetical to productivity and more like an inconvenient period of emptiness that I must begrudgingly accept as a regrettably necessary aspect of life. And finally, I have a hard time justifying the reality of just how much sleep my body needs (acknowledging more than six hours a night feels akin to a confession of weakness I’d rather not admit to).

A couple days after my refreshing sleep, I found myself frantically running around, trying to multitask about a dozen projects and miserably failing to complete any of them. I was exhausted, again, and my kids were ESPECIALLY cranky that day. Between their neediness and my growing longer, not shorter, to-do list, my fuse continued to shorten until my brain was consumed in a twisty haze. I struggled to create a cohesive, complete thought and even when I sat down, my body seemed to continue to move restlessly as my mind raced. I was desperately in need of another good night’s sleep but I just couldn’t put down my hopes for the productive day I had planned. Plus, despite being exhausted, I was annoyed that my only self-care opportunity over the past week had been sleep.

When I consider various self-care options, sleep does not appear at the top of my preferred list. Connecting with loved ones, journaling, reading, writing, playing piano, eating healthy, exercising, spending time in quiet, watching TV – I enjoy the active doing, not being, of self-care. Even when I know that sleep is exactly what my body needs, I struggle to prioritize it and instead feel the need to do something else for self-care. Because, I like activity. I know I’m not alone in the struggle to pursue healthy sleep habits – as my kids like to put it, “Sleep is boring!”

There are numerous and nuanced reasons why I dislike considering sleep as a priority, let alone a form of self-care. For instance, similar to Jessica’s recent post, I, too, have bought into the competitive culture of busyness and the notion that I need to be doing something productive every moment of each day. Partly I feel the pressure to justify my existence, partly it’s purely a habit, and partly it’s born out of a sense of guilt over the apparent indulgence of sleep. It all inevitably seems to be tied to the lie that my worth hinges on what I make of the hours I’ve been given. And sleep just doesn’t seem to cut it as a productive or worthwhile cause to invest time and resources. Even while writing this I am aware of the fallacy of this statement, because of course sleep is very productive and a crucial component to self-care. Yet, there is a disconnect between knowing the benefit of sleep and believing it “counts” as a worthwhile priority.

During especially emotional or anxious periods, when healthy self-care habits should definitely be a priority, for some reason I find sleep even more difficult to pursue. I often stay up well past when I know I should, just scrolling on my phone or watching inconsequential shows as a way to distract my brain from the boredom, anxiety, and depression that plagues me. I recognize these are hollow forms of self-care, and I feel guilty for my obviously self-destructive behavior of not maintaining a healthy sleep schedule, but I also can’t seem to help myself; I feel I need a distracting break from reality in order to go to sleep and in that moment, the distraction feels closer to self-care than sleep does. Although it seems counterintuitive, and certainly counterproductive, when I feel stuck in a pattern of doing my best to simply stay afloat, I struggle to motivate myself to pursue healthy, beneficial forms of self-care. As I reflected on sleep as a form of self-care, it struck me that during the times when I need sleep most as a form of self-care, I tend to perceive it as one more dreaded task to procrastinate rather than view it as a gift of renewal. However, the past few weeks of inconsistent sleep routines have reminded me in new ways the importance of shifting my perspective and priorities to view sleep as a legitimate form of self-care. It’s a process, of course; even while I’m growing in my acceptance of sleep as valuable self-care, I stayed up later than I should have working on this post. Because, even though I know better, understanding the importance of and actually consistently following a healthy sleep schedule as part of my self-care routine is still a challenge for me.

Although the realization that sleep is a form of self-care is not exactly a new journey for me, I’m still learning to remind myself of the importance of sleep. I’m still surprised by how sleep, whether a good night of it or a lack thereof, impacts my entire next day. I’m still doing my best to remind myself that sleep is an important component to healthy living and absolutely necessary in order to function as a human and continue to accomplish daily tasks. I’m still working to regularly pursue healthy sleep habits. And I’m still hopeful I can work to find a manageable balance that incorporates sleep as a regular priority of my self-care routine.

Wendi is co-author of The Unexpected Ever Afters blog and enjoys sipping extra hot coffee, sharing a love of reading with her kids, and exploring bike trails.

photo credit: personal photos