This past June was full of fun adventures with my family.  Since I am off work for the month and the kids are out of school, we took advantage of the time and packed an entire summer’s worth of activities into 30 days.  We traveled to several states visiting friends and family, spending more days away from home than at home.  The result was a month full of laughter and memories as we reconnected with each other and our loved ones.  It was also full of mood swings caused by our lack of routine, epic piles of laundry, and exhaustion.  Through it all, I found a new awareness of how the passage of time impacts my experience of each moment, and even more acutely my experience as a mom. 

Just before the start of our summer break, I posted about trying to Be in the Now.  Throughout the busy month of June, I frequently reflected on this sentiment, trying to focus and enjoy each experience as it unfolded.  And, in a lot of ways, I was successful.  Of course, at times, I found myself distracted by the month’s schedule bouncing around in my head, prompting me to fixate on what’s next. But, I genuinely enjoyed refocusing and trying to take each trip, each day, each memory, one at a time.  

However, as the month went on, there were days where I found myself navigating increasingly complex emotions.   As I thought about this, I wondered what was pulling me away from enjoying the moment.   I realized it often wasn’t the “What’s next?” question,  as I had expected and wrote about in my last post.  Although, my emotions were still focused on the ingrained future-thinking, there was a key difference: “What’s NOT next?”  What is part of this moment that won’t be the same in the future?  This could be everything from the location we were visiting and the people we were with to the way my kids were growing up in the blink of an eye.

My intention was to try to soak up every moment.  Enjoying the new adventures, experiencing new places, and leaning into friendship and connection with family.  In addition, I reveled in the opportunity for extra time with my kids and the chance to observe their unique personalities.  The way my son could make us laugh with his appropriately placed wit.  Or the way my daughter would dance and sing to herself when she thought nobody was watching. 

Sometimes I would be so happy, until, out of nowhere, I would feel a pit in my stomach reminding me that, all too soon, this would all be over.  We would never experience these exact moments, these unique experiences, these special memories again, and my kids would never be these ages again.  It was like an emotional meter would bounce from being consumed in joy one moment and next lost in sadness over the reality that in a few short weeks our lives would return to normal routines and these experiences would be over.

This is when it hit me in a fresh way: being in the now is really hard.  It is hard for all of the reasons I shared before, the push to not settle, the expectation to do the next thing, the pursuit of the future.  But, it is also hard because moments are so fleeting; the “now” is constantly changing. And, sometimes I am not ready for the change, even if constant change is inevitable.

It is as if I am beginning to miss a moment before it’s even over.  This struggle applies to many life experiences, including the fast paced vacations and special moments of connection with family and friends.  However, one of the ways I have felt it most strongly is with motherhood. I recently read Fault Lines by Emily Itami. She wrote, “The way you love your children, they take your heart with you everywhere they go… When they laugh, when they cry, when they’re ill, when they grow, every moment they adore you and every step they take away from you—the whole thing is completely heartbreaking.”  I found this summary of the complexity of parenting, of motherhood, really captures the emotion of missing what is not yet gone.  Sometimes it is the simple passage of time, the ending of the moment, the next step a kid takes on their journey to becoming an adult, the whole thing can feel impossible.  And coming to terms with that impossibility is one of the reasons I get lost and pushed out of the “now”.  Not simply for the excitement of the next big thing, but also the fear of missing what will not be there when it happens. 

So, it’s both and likely more.  It’s a strong goal to try to just be and enjoy the moment, while at the same time feeling pressured to dream and plan for the future.  It’s feeling excited for the next milestone but also mourning the passage of time. It’s balancing excitement with longing, joy with loss.  For me, this past June was about enjoying a month of precious memories before settling back into routine.  As life continues, I continue to try to be in the now, while missing the moments that were and anticipating what will be. 

Jessica is a wife, mom, social worker, and writer.  She is co-author of the blog The Unexpected Ever Afters.

Photo Credit: Personal Photo