I’ve been thinking a lot about time the past few months, especially how I spend my time and if I’m making the most of the time given in each day. Life cycles through seasons of excessive time and never enough time. It seems strange to acknowledge, but too much time, where I wonder how in the world I might fill an entire day, can be just as overwhelming as not enough time. Currently, however, I am in the season of NEVER ENOUGH time, as it seems to evaporate before my very eyes. My days are now centered on trying to figure out how I might possibly accomplish everything I need to do.

I find it interesting that despite the fact that I now almost drown in a packed schedule, I still crave more. I find myself wanting to maintain being busy, to continue to create more opportunities for connection and exciting memories, to pursue new goals and long-put-off chores, to look ahead on the calendar and see event after event. Time is such a valuable resource but right now there never seems to be enough of it. Clearly, I am dealing with a time scarcity mindset.

Even as I struggle to maintain my current pace, I still try to remind myself to find balance between accomplishing all the necessary daily responsibilities while also appreciating and living in the moment. Finding this balance is no small feat; actually, it might be an impossibility. My problem is that I tend to either hyperfocus on one or the other. I am either all in on the to-dos that need to be completed or I’ll pendulum swing the other direction and wonder if anything truly needs to be done and maybe it would be more meaningful if I just sat and enjoyed the day in mindful contemplation. Further complicating this imbalanced conundrum is the ever-present voice in my head that whispers I should, need, have to be doing something productive and worthwhile with my time, with my days, with my life. That I should, need, have to be striving to affect positive changes in the world around me. And if I don’t, well…the unspoken answer is received loud and clear: then I’m a failure.

Several months ago, as I was stuck in this imbalanced cycle, I came across a quote by Henri Nouwen whose perspective on time, specifically converting my prevailing mindset on the scarcity of time, was a beautiful reminder (underlined emphases are my additions):

“To start seeing that the many events of our day, week, or year are not in the way of our search for a full life but are rather the way to it is a real experience of conversion…from time lived as chronos [ time measured as a sequence of seconds, minutes, etc.] to time lived as kairos. Kairos is a Greek word meaning ‘the opportunity.’ It is the right time, the real moment, the chance of our lives…Living kairos offers us an opportunity for a profound change of heart.”

I previously shared that I am currently navigating a difficult journey of grief and due to this season, time has entered a strange phase. In some ways, I feel like I’ve aged thirty years in the span of the intervening three months, while at other times it feels like just last week life was still flowing in the comforting manner of secure predictability. Loss offers a uniquely difficult opportunity to acknowledge the unknown and unexpected aspects of our life’s time. For me, the response has been contradictory: both panic and fear over the apparently short amount of time we all have and, alternately, gratitude over the gift and value of our time. As I reflected on the loss, it struck me that the value of our time is often measured in relationships and memories with loved ones. Even though we’re all busy with life and its various demands and ambitions, protecting necessary space for connection is so important. I needed this reminder as I frequently find myself getting caught up in the notion of tackling to-dos and being productive or affecting major changes in order to have a worthwhile impact, but I am realizing that isn’t the whole story. There’s another vital piece to what a purposeful and impactful life looks like and that comes through the time we invest in our relationships.

I have been thinking about and working to incorporate better balance in how I use my time, but before I give the inaccurate impression that I have it all figured out, here’s a story that illustrates just how much of a daily journey it is. Several weeks ago, after a particularly unsatisfyingly hectic stretch of busy days, I vowed to make a change. As I lay in bed that night, reviewing the perpetual mountain of necessary to-dos and activities, I battled regret over my apparent lack of present-focused connection with my kids. I calmed myself with thoughts of how mindful I was going to be the following day and promised myself the next day I would live in the moment and focus my energy on spending quality time with my kids. The laundry could wait, we could eat leftovers, the typical list of chores could be put off a day as tomorrow I would just enjoy time with my kids. I finally fell asleep, content with my plan to implement such admirable intentionality. I suppose I shouldn’t have been surprised by the version of what would actually unfold. My kids woke up the next day with their own agenda and it didn’t involve my perfect plan of mindful moments together. My son articulated in not-so-subtle terms that he’d prefer to spend the morning reading rather than engage in the fun activities I had envisioned. My daughter, to her credit, initially did her best to compensate for her brother’s apparent lack of interest by dramatically overcommitting her support before her enthusiasm fizzled out and she decided she would prefer to spend the morning playing indoors. I expended a decent amount of energy attempting to coax them into the rest of the day. A day I knew they would surely enjoy if they just allowed everything to unfold according to my perfect plan. I wasn’t asking for much, just a drama-free breakfast where the kids would refrain from irritating each other. This would be followed by a relaxing nature walk through the gorgeous woods near our house where we would try to spy wildlife while searching for beautiful fall-colored leaves to collect. The day would conclude with an afternoon of playing outside together in the cool, autumn weather. That’s all. Well, we begrudgingly made it to the hike part of the morning but by this time I was so drained from mitigating fights and redirecting the hundreds of complaints I was no longer interested in pursuing my day of intentional connection. After a half hour of walking through the woods with just the faintest hint of the anticipated appreciative enjoyment, I conceded it was time to head home. Oh expectations. It wasn’t until later, once we all had a chance to reset, that I became aware of the irony surrounding my day-of-intentionality. I hadn’t anticipated the fact that my kids would have their own ideas for how a day should unfold, which would, of course, impact our time together. I had become so engrossed in my pursuit for being intentional in our time together, I had completely overlooked actually being mindful throughout the process. I literally laughed out loud when I realized my obvious incongruity.

It’s a process, a daily journey, really, this pursuit of intentional, mindful living throughout the schedule of chores, to-dos, activities, and outings. And, it requires a lot of grace to myself and to those around me. Because as we all know, life rarely unfolds according to plan and it turns out there’s a lot to balance within the constraints of our limited time. But I know I want to embark on this journey of viewing time not as chronos but as kairos, as the opportunity. And this mindset change is a time-worthy goal that’s worth pursuing anew every day.

Wendi is co-author of The Unexpected Ever Afters blog and enjoys sipping extra hot coffee, sharing a love of reading with her kids, and exploring bike trails.

photo credit: personal photo