As we enter graduation season, I have been thinking a lot about my own college graduation, the complexity of navigating multiple life transitions during my young adulthood and the pressure to make the right decisions at each crossroad I faced. Although I’m not sure I would’ve believed it in my early 20s, I know now there likely isn’t one right decision; rather, the “best” decision is made with the information known at the time (and it’s okay to change one’s mind).  The best decision at the time doesn’t mean it is the best decision for always, dreams change and circumstances change.  But, navigating unexpected life changes, unpredictable dreams, and in-the-moment crossroads or u-turns, is hard.  I recently had an opportunity to visit the location of a crossroads moment from my young adulthood years.  The experience caused me to reflect on both my past as well as current hopes and dreams. I came away with a renewed conviction of happiness and confidence on my current path, however, I also felt overwhelmed as I navigated the feeling of colliding dreams.  

It started with a recent work conference in Chicago.  The trip was short, busy, and packed full of useful information.  My coworker and I flew out from our local airport in North Dakota and arrived in Chicago on Monday morning just before the start of the conference.  For two and a half days, I listened to presentations and participated in discussions focused on disability law, diving deep into ADA Section 504 and the surrounding case law. By the end, I was equal parts exhausted and rejuvenated by all that I had learned. The conference ended midday Wednesday where we departed for home and arrived just before my kids went to bed. 

Coincidentally, this conference was not the first time I had arrived in Chicago to study law.  When I was 22 and fresh out of college, I packed up my bags and left North Dakota to go to law school.  My parents drove me and a small U-Haul on the two day trip.  We unloaded on a busy Chicago street before navigating to the closest U-Haul drop off site, my dad’s oversized pickup truck significantly too large for the narrow city streets.  I had a hodgepodge of furniture, including my childhood twin size bed and a lime green velvety chair from my grandma’s basement.  The nicest piece of furniture I brought to the apartment was a large, wooden desk that had been gifted to me for college graduation. It was soon covered in giant, legal textbooks and notebooks as I dove into my education.  My roommate brought a futon and we set a life size cut-out of Fabio in the corner of our living room. The apartment screamed I’m in my early 20s and it felt like home. 

I was an idealistic young adult, confident that I could do anything, be anything. At that moment in time, I knew I was in the right place.  As I walked down Michigan Ave to catch the El (Chicago’s subway) to get to law school each day, I felt like I was living my dream.  Somehow, I, a young woman from a town in North Dakota, had found myself in the big city, learning from some of the smartest people I had ever met, amongst a small cohort of competitively selected students from all over the country.  I felt proud, successful, and excited. 

By the end of my first semester, with the same level of intensity that I had felt confident in my decision to pursue law school, I was now just as certain that law school was not the right direction for me.  I don’t have a better way to describe it other than a settling in my gut that I was not supposed to continue with law school.  As I navigated my change in certainty, I realized my long-held dream stayed the same, which was to do my part to make the world better, impact people in a positive way, and influence policy level change.  I just was no longer sure that law school was the best way to get there.  Maybe it was partly the $100,000s of potential debt that I knew I’d soon be drowning in, or just partially the mentality shift from social work to legalese,   but I soon realized my future career options would be different than I anticipated. I knew that something needed to change.  

I shocked everyone, even myself, by withdrawing from law school before the second semester drop deadline.  It felt like a breath of fresh air while at the exact same time felt like the wind had been knocked out of me.  I had no idea what to do next.  So, I logged onto my computer and started looking for a job.  I found a social work job in a tough part of the city.  To go into detail about this job would take an entire additional blog post, but the short of it is the job nearly ruined me.  I was confronted with aspects of the field that I had never anticipated encountering when I was studying social work at a small liberal arts college.   Just a few months earlier, I was certain I was living my dream, but now the dream had shattered. My idealistic hopes for the future had been shattered.  I made the difficult decision to leave Chicago.  Although I was certain it was the right decision, it was still incredibly difficult quitting my new job and leaving my roommate and best friend in Chicago in a lurch with our lease.  I left what at the time felt like a wake of destruction behind me, as I packed the same small U-Haul and headed home.  I had arrived in Chicago, confident in my dream to pursue law school, I left just as certain for the need to change direction.   

Once in North Dakota, I navigated what felt like hundreds of decisions. It was exhausting.  After some time, I started another social work job, began seriously dating my now husband, and entered graduate school for social work. Slowly, I found my rhythm again and it felt right. I again knew I was in the right place.  

All the steps in the years after led me to where I am now.  The same desk I brought to Chicago sits in my living room, now covered in my kids’ homework and art projects. I spend my days working with college students, ensuring they have access to their education, protected by the law.  I spend my evenings and weekends running to various kids’ activities. I put my kids to bed at night and at times that same feeling of living my dream will wash over me.  

When I went to Chicago on my recent work trip and again walked the streets of the big city, I felt nostalgic.  I felt the old dream prickle beneath my skin, like it had never fully left. The idea that I could be anyone, do anything.  And, for what felt like the first time in the 16 years since I had left Chicago the first time, my two dreams collided.  The dream of what was and the dream of what is.  The dream of what could have been and the dream of my current reality.  It’s not that I had never thought about it, as a chronic overthinker every decision in my life has been relived 1,000 times over.   But, it was the physical place, standing there on the streets of Chicago, just blocks away from the law school I had once spent all my time, that the stark differences of the two realities almost knocked me to my knees. 

Later, as I processed this experience, a couple of thoughts occurred to me.  First, young adulthood is a complicated and overwhelming season of life.  Second, I thought of all the young adults I know that either are currently or will soon be navigating the reality of changing dreams.  I thought of how real my dreams felt at that time and how I still, to this day, don’t think they were wrong, they just didn’t stay right.  Which leads to my conclusion that more than one dream can be real, more than one dream can be right, AND dreams can and will change.  Just because a dream changes, doesn’t mean that it was a wrong dream.  Navigating it all, the decisions, the dreams, the changes, likely won’t be easy.  But, my experience has shown me even messy, zig-zag roads can take you where you are supposed to be.  And, as I flew home after my conference, and was met with excitement and welcome-home hugs, I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be.  Living my current dream.   

Jessica is a wife, mom, social worker, and writer.  She is co-author of the blog The Unexpected Ever Afters.

photo credit: personal photos taken by a 22 year old with a digital camera she’d just received as a graduation gift