Lately life has felt a bit like being trapped in a maze; I’m constantly moving, but still feel lost. We continue to navigate a challenging season at our house as we balance career changes for my husband, significant healing for my son, and a plethora of seasonal illnesses. In addition, I have felt heartbroken by the chaos and despair found in the news and the impact of federal policies on communities I love and care about. Each day has required patience in waiting and trust in processes that all seem to move at a snail’s pace. I know that every “dead end” is helping to guide toward the finish line, but that awareness doesn’t alleviate the disappointment in the moments when we turn a corner to see another “wall.” During the past few months of my family’s recent challenging season, I have taken on a role in our house that I define as “staying steady.” However, it turns out maintaining this disposition is easier said than done. 

For me, staying steady means keeping a positive attitude as I help my family navigate and process their emotions through the chaos of this season. I’ve previously written about big emotions and navigating worry, but I still find myself unprepared for the current season of stress. It is during those times when I find myself struggling that I wonder how I can stay steady for others. It is easy to get caught up in the negativity of it all. However, it can be equally as challenging to avoid the well-meaning toxic positivity. For example, during a recent work conference, I listened to a speaker discuss the topic of “joy” where she enthusiastically stated, “Joy is simply a choice, just choose joy.” This felt like such an oversimplification, and it left me feeling sad. If only it was that easy. This pressure, to “just choose joy,” compounds feelings of sadness with a layer of guilt for not being able to make this “simple” choice. The honest truth is, it is not that easy. Obviously, I think most of us would just choose joy all the time if we could. But, the reality is that life is full of a lot of things that aren’t joyful. 

However, if choosing joy isn’t always a viable option, what is the alternative? To just live in despair and hopelessness? Even though life is full of challenges and paths that lead to dead ends, I am not comfortable with this alternative choice for despair either. As I considered the gulf between choosing joy or choosing despair, I attempted to find a middle option, certain that this would be the answer to maintain my goal of “staying steady” for my family. However, in an attempt to achieve this “magic” middle, I started to burn out. My anxiety flared-up and my emotions became more unpredictable. Rather than feel steady, I felt unbalanced. I was in a constant battle of trying to avoid the negative emotions while pushing myself to embrace the positive emotions. My magic middle solution wasn’t working. 

A loved one told me recently, “I just can’t deal with your optimism right now.” And I thought to myself, what optimism? I do not feel optimistic. In fact, I don’t see the glass as half full right now at all…I am pretty sure someone tipped my glass over. Which is when it dawned on me that maybe I was projecting feelings I didn’t feel and avoiding feelings I did feel. I was attempting to find a middle, to stay steady when I was actually just stumbling between the two extremes. That is when I decided maybe the answer wasn’t to choose joy, despair, or somewhere in the middle of the two, but, rather, to choose it ALL.

Choosing it all allows space to “choose joy” in the day-to-day, because for some absurd reason, joy still exists even when everything feels challenging. Choosing it all also provides a way to feel the despair and the hopelessness, because they exist, too. Recognizing that sometimes things are not okay, that I am not okay, allows me to take intentional steps to rest and take care of myself. In addition, when I start to get stuck in the muck of the day-to-day struggles and the heavy news cycle, I try to remember what matters most to me. When I’m able to look past everything causing me stress and anxiety and refocus on  what matters most, it always boils down to love: Love of my kids, my family, my friends, my students, and my community. Love of God. When I have space to contemplate this, I rediscover that when I struggle to choose joy, I can still choose love. And, for me, that makes a difference. 

This reminded me of a prayer that Sarah Bessey shared in her book “A Rhythm of Prayer” titled “A Prayer for the Tired, Angry Ones” by Laura Jean Truman. It is a reminder that has sat with me as I have been navigating this current season. The last paragraph of the prayer is:

“Keep our anger from becoming meanness.
Keep our sorrow from collapsing into self-pity.
Keep our hearts soft enough to keep breaking.
Keep our outrage turned towards justice, not cruelty.
Remind us that all of this, every bit of it, is for love.
Keep us fiercely kind.”

So here I am, still navigating the maze of this challenging season; still dealing with dead ends, struggling to be patient with the process, and trying to choose to feel it all. And, to remember that when joy feels out of reach, I can choose to love. And, sometimes, love is enough.

Jessica is a wife, mom, social worker, and writer.  She is co-author of the blog The Unexpected Ever Afters.

Photo Credit: Personal Photo