Our family is coming out of a tough season. For months, it felt like we just couldn’t catch a break. Each step forward came with a step back and it felt as if we were stuck in a perpetual cycle of receiving bad news. Particularly heavy on my heart were the struggles my kids were navigating. My son suffered a significant injury that required multiple surgeries and a long healing journey, and my daughter was diagnosed with a rare blood disorder that required hospital treatment. We were in the weeds of crises for so long. But then things slowly started to turn. Through patience, hard work, and many prayers, the good news started to outweigh the bad. We started seeing amazing healing and inspiring resilience. I can tentatively acknowledge that we are beginning to emerge on the other side of this tough wave, and I am so thankful. However, what I am finding is that even on the other side, there are still unexpected challenges to navigate.
It seems there is a lot written about navigating the truly tough times of illnesses, injuries, and other challenging moments. However, there is less written about the season that follows the difficult one. There seems to be an unwritten rule that this season should be exclusively full of joy, gratitude, and celebration. And, in a lot of ways, it is! However, when less comfortable emotions, such as anxiety and fear linger at the party, it can feel disappointing. It can also feel lonely. Because, it is really tough to explain that your life is full of good news and gratitude, but you are still feeling a bit terrible. So, in the spirit of authenticity, I wanted to share a few reasons why I have identified this calmer, immediately post-crisis season as still being challenging.
What’s Going to Happen Next?
Unsurprisingly, after months of prolonged health crises, we started to navigate some feelings of unwelcome anxiety at our house. I acknowledge that not all anxiety is bad. It can be a helpful emotion since it’s designed to keep us safe. When we are in danger, anxiety is the reason our bodies know what to do. Our fight, flight, freeze response lights up and our body sends extra blood to essential survival areas (heart, lungs, muscles). This is all good. The problem occurs when our anxiety lights up when we aren’t actually in danger. And, there is nothing quite like months of actual danger to get the anxiety trigger stuck “on.” This has contributed to some lingering anxiety and big emotions at our house. My daughter expressed it best, when she said, “I just don’t know what is going to happen next.” Me neither. Of course, none of us do, but it broke my heart that she had to learn this lesson and feel this fear. It can be really challenging to sit in a season of celebration after having felt the rug be pulled out from under you. We are happy and thankful, and we are still scared of what might happen next.
The Downside of Imagination
I recently finished the novel My Friends by Frederick Backman (it is a new favorite, I highly recommend it). At one point in the book, one of the characters was experiencing anxiety and said, “That’s the worst thing about having a vivid imagination: it works in all directions.”
Isn’t that the truth? I love my imagination. I dream, write, and create with joy and excitement. But, the problem is, there is no on/off button. I can’t turn my imagination off when it isn’t useful. I have found so much joy in creating fictional worlds full of imagined characters in real situations. But, the flip side is that following this tough season, I have felt just as much fear navigating imagined, fictional what-ifs in my real-life world.
Too Many Zebras
We have a saying at our house, “See horses, not zebras.” Here in North Dakota, horses are everywhere. Zebras, not so much. Typically, our everyday life is filled with run-of-the-mill experiences. Every year we navigate a plethora of normal school year illnesses and countless bumps and bruises. Of course, the internet can interpret even the smallest symptom as a sign of catastrophe, so we got used to saying, “see the horses.” A cold is a cold, a bruise is a bruise. But, the past year was spent with zebras. The horses were no longer horses, so the script felt broken. There is nothing quite like handing someone with a wild imagination a broken script. We are slowly reentering the phase where the horses are once again just horses, but now I am having a hard time seeing them that way.
So there it is: I am no longer in a crisis season but my brain is full of zebras galloping through fields of what-ifs, gazing at the scary, unknown, future. If you are in a season like this, you are not alone. I am also excited, thankful, and full of celebration for reaching the end of a hard season. And, I am also still struggling. I guess the question really is, “What’s going to happen next?” Well, I am working on it. I am talking about it. I am reaching out for help. It is hard to acknowledge when things are still hard, especially when it seems like they shouldn’t be. So, let’s extend some grace, talk openly about the lingering impacts of tough seasons, and continue to move forward one step at a time.
“Bless the life you already have, before you improve a single thing. May joy interrupt you there, entirely ahead of schedule.” Kate Bowler
Jessica is a wife, mom, social worker, and writer. She is co-author of the blog The Unexpected Ever Afters.
Photo credit: Personal Photos – Winter in North Dakota and Zebras in the Ngorongoro Crater, Tanzania
