Summer vacation recently came to an end (how is it already the start of another school year?), but despite this season’s conclusion, it seems I barely scratched the surface of the anticipated break mode that’s supposed to accompany it. I can acknowledge I did thoroughly live into the past three months, but rather than a sense of accomplishment, it often felt more like grasping at shreds of time slipping through my fingertips. We packed in the typical components of summer – vacationing, visiting family and friends, biking, swimming, gardening, as well as many moments experiencing sheer boredom – but despite it all I never felt I fully arrived into the season.

My conceptions of what summer should look like and this year’s lived experience has mirrored my perceived notions of what adulthood was going to be like and what my day-to-day life has actually been. Just as I anticipated a break-mode that never seemed to fully arrive, I anticipated an adult-mode that seems to be equally illusive. One of my friends articulated it best when she shared that she always thought there would be a moment in her adult life where she knew “she had arrived.” The moment with all the answers and an assurance of “grown-up-ness.” I knew exactly what she was talking about. I, too, believed there would come a time where I felt, truly felt, like an adult. Granted, I was never clear on what that exactly meant, but I assumed I’d know it once I was there. Well, I am now years into the adult label but despite increasing responsibilities and routines, the arrival doesn’t feel definite but rather just…sort of.

Similar to the seeds in a sunflower, oftentimes the journey and arrival seem to circle each other tightly, almost as if at times they flow back and forth between each other. Often, the path and destination of various journeys, whether summer break or adulthood, do not always follow an envisioned route or encompass an expected destination. At times I get caught up in trying to assess just how close I am to arrival, while at other times I am more reflective and do my best to redirect my attention to the opportunities for continual growth within the journey itself. When I consider living fully into the adult label, I often find myself lost in the big-picture pursuits, usually at the expense of day-to-day moments. Realistically, adulthood exists mostly in those small moments where each day is part of the complete journey. In his book, Anam Cara, John O’Donohue wrote, “A day is precious because each day is essentially the microcosm of your whole life. Each new day offers possibilities and promises that were never seen before. To engage with honor the full possibility of your life is to engage in a worthy way the possibility of your new day. Each day is different.”

This renewed awareness has reminded me that I do live into most days. But, the process of intentionally focusing on living fully into each day has also left me with questions. What about the times when the day is not enjoyable? What if it feels more like something to simply endure? What if the unexpected occurs and causes a complete about-face of highly anticipated plans? What if the unspeakable happens and a loved one dies? What if grief compounds into additional tragedies until the sorrow feels unbearable? During these moments, I’m just doing my best to survive, to get by, and certainly not focused on enjoying the day but rather wishing for its immediate conclusion and a clean break into a new day leading to a different arrival.

Although I don’t always like to admit it, I am slowly beginning to accept that the uncertainty and hard questions are part of arriving into adulthood. I also know that heavy grief and loss, accompanied by moments of darkness, tragedy, pain, and suffering, are an unavoidable part of life and that facing these difficulties with grace and a mind for growth are huge components of being an adult. And while I wish I could fast forward through the deepest parts of discomfort, to skip the moments I know will be hardest, I know that is not possible and even if it were, much of life would then just become a blur. I know from experience that sometimes simply arriving at a sort of destination is part of the journey.

So, I have arrived, sort of, into adulthood. Although I’m still working to accept that my previously envisioned nebulous destination of adulthood is more mirage than reality, it is strangely comforting to realize that each day can be complete and rewarding and bring me more fully into my sort of arrivals. And I hope that in the coming weeks, as we continue the transition from summer break to fall routines, I can relearn the importance of shifting my perspective to living fully into each day and all the possibilities it provides.

Wendi is co-author of The Unexpected Ever Afters blog and enjoys sipping extra hot coffee, sharing a love of reading with her kids, and exploring bike trails.

photo credit: personal photos