I have an unfortunate tendency to speak pretty harshly to myself with an annoyingly loud negative self-talk voice. It doesn’t take much to leave me unsettled: Small mistakes, missed opportunities, unmet goals, or sensing someone’s subtle disappointment.  In comparison, when it comes to others, I can easily provide a gentle redirection for the same minor missteps.  Recently I lovingly reminded my son, a “small mistake doesn’t change who he is. He is still thoughtful, smart, and kind.  Everyone makes mistakes.”  I firmly believe this truth.  And yet, when the situation is flipped, I struggle to talk to myself in a similar, gentle way.  Instead, I find myself ruminating on the could-haves and should-haves.  Life is irritating that way. I know a lot about self compassion, self care, and managing big emotions. And also, I struggle to apply this awareness with myself.  Author and therapist, KC Davis wrote, “The gulf between what we know in our minds and what we feel in our hearts is often an insurmountable distance.”  And, when it comes to falling into the trap of listening to my negative self-talk, while at the exact same time knowing I shouldn’t, I am all too aware of that gulf.

One evening, after a particularly busy couple of weeks, I felt completely exhausted.  I had just finished some yard work and my shoes were caked in mud.  Upon realizing the mess, I was instantly mad that I had not worn my old pair of shoes, an oversight that was a direct result of my overwhelming exhaustion.  In addition, the house was a mess.  Dirty laundry piles had reached epic levels, the dishes were overflowing from the sink, and our living room had popcorn pieces crumbled into the carpet from a recent movie night.  I sunk onto the couch, tears pricking my eyes.  Visions of what my house “should” look like filled my mind, and I felt embarrassed. My negative voice was full of statements about not being good enough. 

That same evening, as I explained my emotions to my husband and my thoughts on how I should be able to be better, he responded kindly, “What are you talking about, you do a lot. We’ve been so busy.”  And, he was right.  I realized this is a bad habit of mine: falling into the comparison trap of the way things should or shouldn’t be and then allowing that comparison to impact the way I feel about myself.  I talk to myself in ways I would never talk to a friend. I would never say to a friend, “You are such a failure because there is popcorn in your carpet.”  Of course I wouldn’t.  Yet, when I forget to challenge the negative thoughts that fill my mind, I struggle to move forward.  As a social worker and a reader on all sorts of topics, I have learned and incorporated several helpful techniques for trying to shut down my negative self-talk voice.  For example, I like to utilize a trick where I picture a stoplight and I tell myself to STOP when I find myself in an unhelpful cycle or stuck in a negative thought pattern.  Some days I have to remind myself to “stop” more often than others.  I know nothing good can come out of ruminating on negative thinking, and sometimes shouting at myself to stop can disrupt the spiral. 

Another evening I was completing a MommaStrong exercise video.  I enjoy how intentional MommaStrong is about their inclusive, encouraging, positive messaging.  Courtney is the MommaStrong founder and daily video creator and she frequently talks about “beginning again” and “doing it anyway.”  One day she was describing her hectic day and she said with nonchalance, “It’s okay, this is just how it is right now.”  I couldn’t stop thinking about that statement.  “It’s okay, this is just how it is right now.”  What a perspective shift from my normal rumination on how to make everything better. For example, the house is often a mess. It’s okay, this is just how it is right now. In this season of busy, fun-filled evenings and weekends with kids’ activities,maybe the house won’t be as clean as it could be.  

As I thought about my family’s current season, I realized there are so many ways in which I love it and yet many ways in which it is hard.  I considered my tendency toward negative self-talk and the small shifts I can implement to be kinder to myself.  And I read another KC Davis quote, “I so often look back on these seasons of limping through and say to myself with tenderness, “Wow, I was really doing the best I could with what I had.” And that’s the funny thing about doing your best; it never feels like your best at the time. In fact, it almost always feels like failing when you’re in it.”  I find this so true!  It made me think about some really difficult times in my own life, like when I became a mom for the first time and struggled with postpartum anxiety.  Or, when I made the decision to leave the school social work job I had been at for nearly 10 years.  In the midst of those seasons, I felt certain I was failing.  But, when I reflect on those difficult times now, I am so proud of what I did.  I navigated through tough choices and pushed through unexpected emotions the best that I could.  I loved my son deeply, even when everything felt impossibly hard.  I cared for my students and invested energy into their future, even as I prepared to say goodbye and leave my school social work position.  And, I wonder, when I look back at the stage I’m in now, complete with muddy shoes and a messy house, if I will look back and be proud of the ways I used my time and the mom I tried to be.  I hope I will.  It’s all a helpful reminder in perspective for me.

So, we’ll see.  I will likely continue to respond to minor issues with big emotions.  I will likely frequently need to shout “stop” when I am ruminating over unnecessary worry.  I am certain I will continue to fall into the comparison trap here and there.  But, I’m trying to shift my perspective.  And after all, maybe trying to slowly shift my negative thinking is the best I can do at this time.  And, it’s okay, this is just how it is right now.  

Jessica is a wife, mom, social worker, and writer.  She is co-author of the blog The Unexpected Ever Afters.

photo credit: personal photo